Tuesday, 26 August 2014

expectations

The first experience always feels like the best especially when there was no expectation or maybe i should say, low expectations, attached to it. Everything is a gift when it is not expected, everything feels extra juicy! 

I watched my cousin dig into a mussel at lunch. He didn't like mussels to begin with but went along with us to Belgo for the Belgian experience out of courtesy to my Belgian husband. I watched as he ate the first mussel how his face went from uncertainty to curiosity (like he was questioning if it was right), to being completely lit up with delight! He ate the whole pot of it and was full of gratitude for the experience.

Equally this summer, i watched many waves of disappointment in the reverse. When people would come to something new, carrying with them the expectation to experience something similar to what they had previously experienced. I do this myself sometimes....and have to remind myself, why am i expecting a similar experience, instead of being open to a new one?? I guess, ultimately, we are creatures of habit and feel more comfortable in what we know. 

Step into the unknown and see what happens :-)

Monday, 16 June 2014

simple love



i find that i am always looking for that special experience, far and exotic....when all the most special moments are right here, in my home

i find that i am always looking for something that is not there...and in doing so, i am not able to see all that is there

i find that we are always looking far and wide for that "thing" that will make us happy, that will complete us.... when often times, it is right in front of us, or within us, waiting to serve us




Friday, 23 May 2014

Tribute to Norwich


As I prepare to leave my life in Norwich in exchange for a new life in Surrey, I have had so much to reflect on, over the last 12 years. I came to Norwich having just turned 30, arrogant, selfish, a little messed up, with not a care in the world except for myself. 

I see now how necessary that was. Had i not been that person, i think I would not have had the courage to make that move. 



My time in Norwich has been my biggest life teacher (so far)

First, my ego received a great beating. 
"Nobody wants you! Whatever you thought was so great means nothing here. Who are you?...."
After a year.. (or so.. time also passed quickly),  I let go of my ambition and started looking for new ground to stand on. I volunteered at a animal shelter cleaning out shit every day- literally! And started waitressing in the evening. Later, I would stop cleaning shit as I needed to make some money and got a job at Next. 
Then came a big test of my determination, when my dad would become ill and pass away. 
"Why am i here?"

During all this time, my own practice had intensified in a very different way. This was a time when I started to see the lessons the practice was teaching me about myself. One of the tendencies that surfaced continuously is my lack of commitment. If something was no longer fun, i would just move on. I seldom bothered to explore any deeper.

So I would say... thanks to the practice, I managed to stay the first 7 years despite being unsettled. Of course, I stayed for love also. I thought many times to give it up as it was all too hard, like i normally would do, but the practice kept reminding me of this very feeble character i kept. 

So i stayed..
And I am glad I did

I can say that I am leaving a better person, or at least someone I like a lot more. I am pretty sure that had I not made that decision to come here, I would not be this person. I am so grateful to have met some people here who have taught me so much, especially about love, about sharing, about forgiveness... Although i have also lost some confidence when I lost that arrogance, I feel this in a positive way. It is good for me to be a little afraid of losing something as I find i am paying more attention and it reminds me to be grateful all the time. I hope you know who you are, my dear friends, my extended mothers, brothers and uncles and aunts, all of whom i have fallen madly in love with. I know from my experience of leaving home twice before, that things will never be the same between us, for most of us. At one time, this used to upset me deeply. But i realise now that this pattern, like everything, is the circle of life- it has a beginning, a middle and an end. What remains is this strong connection that can never be severed because we are held together by an experience shared and by love.

Yoga has been my saviour here. Before I found the community here, life was pretty empty. Through yoga, i have made some lifelong friends and have had some of the most memorable experiences whether it was at retreats, workshops, classes, coffee. I am truly grateful for all the support I have seen over the years and all the kind, beautiful and humbling feedback. 

Through all this, and through the many commentaries I have shared during class, I hope that I have never given anyone the impression that I am a wholesome yogi. I have always tried to be clear about this so I hope you never think me any other way, than one of you. I try to live as best as I can but i continue to have my weaknesses. Whilst yoga has changed me and helped me become a better person, I have some way to go. Some lessons have to be so painful so you never forget them. This too I am grateful for. 

I end with this:

Forgive me if I have every hurt you with my words or actions and trust that I will know this and feel this in my own heart, if not already

Thank you from every cell of my being for being my teachers, my friends, my mothers, my sisters, my brothers. This gratitude is held in my heart and is boundless.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

The Joy of Togetherness

It is hard to believe that this is now the second week since I left the studio and the work that I had become so familiar with. I am slowly getting into this new rhythm of not really having to be anywhere at any time (ie: not working!) To be honest, I find myself quite much busier than when I was working, but it is different, not having to run after time! My final class at the studio was perfect. It was in sync with the theme for the week, which was about the joy of togetherness- the beauty of the kula. Here it is for those who missed it...

What is the kula?
Kula in sanskrit directly translates as community. It is also derived from another sanskrit word 'kula siddhi' and is the idea that all creation in the universe is connected and is in a relationship with each other, no matter how diverse. These connections are why the universe continues to expand. 
Simply, a kula is us- a group of people with similar interest, similar passions, beliefs, values, who come together to share in this love and to grow together.

Every time you come to your shala, your sangha, your club, you meet your kula. In our yoga class, a few things happens....
You roll out your mat and you greet your little universe, the manifestation of your life..
You meet each other, a connection happens
You start your practice and you start to meet your challenges, your tendencies, sometimes, your demons. Some days there is laughter, other days frustration, some days are flat, some days are illuminating. Whatever it is, you share an experience. Some days you are laughing together, some days laughing at each other and sometimes, you exchange a look that needs no words, because it is understood. And sometimes, the person besides you stops and watches you and starts to root for you and cheers your awesomeness! And other times, they your frustration and it feels better already!
This is the kula
The more diverse the group, the stronger the community.
It is there to support you and remind you of your awesomeness, of your beauty. There may be someone in the kula who believes in you more than you believe in yourself or vice versa. It is a place that makes you feel good. A place that you can go to when you have had a rubbish day, to soak in the spirit of the kula, that leaves you feeling better most of the time, even if just in a small way.
This is the joy of togetherness.
And if you have happiness, share it. Share it in the kula and beyond; 
your wealth, your possessions, your time, music, art, knowledge; 
share it because it is not possible to be happy alone

namaskar
thank you for 7 amazing (yoga) years 

Monday, 17 March 2014

my big practice!

“You have the right to work, but never to the fruit of work. You should never engage in action for the sake of reward, nor should you long for inaction. Perform work in this world, Arjuna, as a man established within himself - without selfish attachments, and alike in success and defeat.” Chapter 2 Bhagavad Gita

I am now weeks from finishing my work here in Norwich! Wow! 
This phrase from the Bhagavad Gita has been playing over and over in my head. Not that I am having a battle letting go of my business. Also, many people think that I am selling my business and when I tell them I am not, they want to know why... this phrase is also one of the answer to why :-) But also, I think it is nice to leave this to someone whom I know will care for the classes as I have.

Having said all that, some days, my heart skips a few beats, like right now, just thinking about leaving it all behind when everything is going so well. In these moments, my ego clouds me and I start to feel attachment to EVERYTHING! To my work, to the friendships i have built, to my lovely comfortable life here, to my home.... 
WOW! Can you hear that? It screams me me me! I am doing so well!! :-)
I am thakful that these thoughts go as soon as they come. I can only imagine how much suffering they would create otherwise. Thank you great practice! 

I am ready! 

Monday, 10 February 2014

take responsibility

My rowing coach's lovely words are still singing in my ears! "What can you do to make it better" Practice is so much the same, what can you do to make it feel better; more comfortable, more spacious, more sthira, sukham! Instead of blaming your body, or blaming the pose, or blaming the temperature in the room :-) What can you do to make it better? 

When you are less busy making excuses, you are more likely to become more receptive to what you can effect. Our body is so intelligent. It does not need someone else to tell us what the best alignment for our body is. We know when it is right. But in order to feel this, we first have to decide to take responsibility, and then practice getting so quiet so that we can start to hear what we really need to hear in order to take action.

:-) thank you coach!

Monday, 3 February 2014

yogi coach

This weekend, I had the pleasure of rowing with a crew, coached by a really lovely coach named David. It was my second outing with him. He tuts along by your boat and in his most gentle and precise way, coaches you. I feel incredibly relaxed when he is around. I think he has the perfect coaching voice! I would love to instruct like this some day. My friends, Victoria and Pake have that same voice....I am trying to describe it a little more precisely but am unable to find the words. It is like a guiding voice that instills trust. 
Anyway, it was one of these boats. And we were struggling to keep it from tilting to one side despite his many helpful instructing. Then he stopped us and said:
"The boat may be tilting because number 2's hands are too high or 3's hands are too low. But it is actually nobody's fault. You have to feel the boat as a team and feel what you can do to make it right."

I love it! Doesn't matter if you think you are right if you can make an adjustment to make it right for everyone (of course, this applies in this situation because it doesn't cause any harm) And I love this whole teamwork thing. A lot of the stuff I do- like yoga, squash, involves just me and myself. Getting out there and morphing into one, learning to share in responsibility is great stuff.

The club is recruiting new members now! Come try it! ;-)